Thursday, April 23, 2015

where do I belong?

Basically after completing my "I'm a Scientist Too" post and feeling on top of the world, I was asked to stop using the lab space as an office and it opened up so many old scars about not fitting in and my general existence being a detriment to other people. I like working where I do because I get to talk to other people about their research, and felt like I was part of the scientific community. Now being pushed aside and toppled off my perch I just feel at a total loss for words and lack any motivation to complete my work. I never cried at uni until that afternoon when I had to quick as I could run to a bathroom stall because I could not for the life of me hold it in anymore. Contrary to popular belief, women don't cry in order to get attention or get their own way and I can never dispel the feeling of complete and utter shame when salty tears involuntarily roll down my cheeks. I'm sorry, I don't like to add to the noise of the Internet and generally avoid self-serving posts but I just feel like in order to create distance between myself and this sense of displacement they needed to exist in a place outside of my own head.

I didn't like the way in which I was asked, how I was spoken to but what hurt was the feeling that I didn't belong because I finally thought I had everything figured out. I would go on to do a PhD, continue doing work which I loved and felt passionate about which would be difficult but rewarding in the end. It never occurred to me that the work environment would suddenly become hostile or that my legitimacy would be questioned. Nor did I consider that in that situation I would be unable to do anything to help my situation or that it would totally change how I function and where I complete my work. There's not a lot I can do other than stay out of their way and at home, since I need the assistance of this person in my research and I'm going to have to complete field work with them. I'm just super bummed out about the whole situation and feel like in the workplace we are still subject to the same childish games we had to endure in high school and frankly it's a real let down. Maybe things never really get better, they just get different. 

1- Heavenly Creatures (1994), 2- The Virgin Suicides (1999), 3-
Photography by Gregory Crewdson, 4, 5- days of sleep by somnials and staticpool modelling, 6, 8- Hilary Faye Sloane, 9- still from an Alfred Hitchcock film, 10- Style Rookie, 12 & 13- via Style Abuse. 7 & 11- source.

10 comments:

  1. These photos really capture how I've been feeling lately. Something great seems to happen, but then for some god-awful reason something slaps it away. Then all we can hope for is that things will get better.

    I'm so sorry what happened to you at uni. A very similar thing happened in the theatre realm to me, so I understand how awful you feel. You're such a lovely, intelligent, beautiful human being and the fact that anyone couldn't see that is absolutely beyond me. Life is hard, but never give up! <3

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    1. I think I remember when you posted about that time in your life, or the sadness in your word when you blogged about it.
      Thanks so much Tessa, I'm so lucky to have you and all these other radical, mega babes look after me <3 <3

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  2. Oh my goodness, Adele, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this! And yes, I totally get that feeling of finally feeling like things are going right and then ONE LITTLE THING just sets everything else off, and as someone else who hates crying in public, I totally understand the feeling. It sounds like they were really tactless to you, and I know how it feels when all the old feelings about not belonging come up again. Aww, you're not a detriment at all, you're a lovely person and anyone who doesn't see that, while you might have to work with them, remember that their opinion isn't necessarily true and doesn't have any bearing on who you are. And also, love Heavenly Creatures and Virgin Suicides, they're great films :) xoxo

    www.thelittleenigma.blogspot.com

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    1. I didn't think they meant to hurt me but what they need to understand (and what I hope everyone takes away from this), is that our words have a power to hurt the people around us and we cannot be callous with our words.

      thanks very much Lydia, I have not seen Heavenly Creatures yet but I've seen screencaps of it? In any case I'm grateful for your selfcare tips <3

      side note, the more and more I think about it I think this feeling of shame in response to crying in public is largely due to the patriarchy, like guys can't cry because we teach them not to and girls are taught not to because it makes men feel bad!! UGH

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  3. Ugh, Adele, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's incredibly awful and I know what you mean about crying too. I have the biggest fear and anxiety about crying in public because you become such a burden for everyone.

    I hope it gets better.

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    1. aww Kensani! I know exactly what you mean, but I suppose if you don't feel comfortable crying around certain people they are not the supportive people you deserve (and it's taken me a very long time to learn this myself)-

      on another, unrelated note congratulations on being featured on i-D that's so ultra exciting and you are beyond deserving <3 <3

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  4. point me in the direction of this jerk so i can kick their teeth out and turn them into a cute necklace. it seems like you are in a pretty challenging situation right now. the way you are feeling reminds me of how i was feeling a week ago, extremely sad, anxious, uncomfortable and stressed. the thing that eased my discomfort the most was trying to focus on being as comfortable as i could no matter how uncomfortable the situation. if you have to be around this person a lot try to make sure that you keep yourself as comfortable and happy as you can when you have to be near them. ultimately this person will only be a temporary fixture in your life, their negative energy has nothing on your passion for knowledge. as far as crying is public goes... its pretty shit at the time, but afterwards it feels kinda cool if i've been wearing makeup. i like the dried mascara drips. they make me feel tough, its like they say "hey, you tried to break me, but look i'm still here muahhhahahhahha"

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    1. I wasn't wearing makeup at the time but I've started to bring a makeup bag with me to uni since I frequently have to clean coal and soot off my face at the end of the day

      I am growing more comfortable in my work environment but I feel very anxious whenever I'm new somewhere- but I'm also sick of this preventing me from experiencing new things

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  5. Ah man, I'm really sorry that such a thing happened to you. Ugh, that really really sucks. You were confident and happy with your work, and then to be knocked down like that, making a good experience into a bad one - I don't even know what to say. Just, you don't have to be ashamed of crying, or about sharing it with us. It's your genuine feelings, never noise. <3

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    1. thanks Erin, it's good to know I'm not being a cry baby or whatever and while I know crying about something I care so deeply about shouldn't be shameful I do see it as heavily stigmatised and feel worried it would somehow discredit my reputation (which sucks!)

      But I feel so much better feeling my Internet squad protect me from these bad vibes, I'm more determined than ever to present great research!

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