Monday, December 10, 2012

Dead on the Inside

You know how when you read something shocking / empowering and it changes your life? Well I feel like I have the blank and sad feeling afterwards of being stuffed so full of life-changing information and advice that all you can do is sit dumb-struck and slack-jawed until someone else rouses you. In a strange way my summer has unequivocally been ruined, as has the rest of my life and I may be one of those people who sit with a blackened heart around Christmas and just hate everything. Life should be like an Internet account to Neopets or something. We should get second chances, but we never do and it's impossible to blanket the world's citizens in bubble wrap from their own horrendously stupid mistakes but it does help me to cosmically beg for forgiveness from the grand figurehead.

I'm in the terrible deer-in-headlights terror mood when I'll sort of try anything to numb the onslaught of emotional pain and I just want to find comfort in religion and prayer. Quiet thought and reflection has always been something I find solace in, even as a child and what could be better than ceremoniously glorifying it with a great and specific ritual? Candles, symbols... The whole shebang. Just give me something new to get a solid hold of until I feel invincible, young and foolish enough to make the same stupid and foolhardy mistakes again.

I feel terrible, I feel terrible and I'm taking out all those feelings on you guys, my innocent readers it seems but it's sometimes said that pain is beautiful and I feel like I'm in a living hell so maybe there will be some insight and wonder in my words. I don't feel like sewing a baby blanket to a skirt. I don't feel like making my own skirt and I don't particularly like my boyfriend's new haircut. Worse things have happened under the sun, but that's of little comfort when you're alone and can't explain / relate to your parents. 

Wait; hang on a minute- I just heard something insightful from the television. A policeman has just told someone it's OK to make mistakes as long ass you learn from them. That actually does make me feel better and not slightly stupid because I often avoid television when possible these days. I'll be sure to learn from the last few weeks misadventures for a while, probably a life-scarring event all of which happened in my teens. And it was meant to be a sacred sanctity of high school without serious adult problems wounding my memories. Well, I blew that one alright.

I sort of figured out how to mentally run away from your problems without illicit substances and keeping well aware of where and who you are: reading multiple books at the same time. Entertaining interviews from Rookie Yearbook One, a parody of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Nights Dream involving wizards written by Terry Pratchett and good, old-fashioned aliens are keeping me company on the other side of this horrifying night. It's horrifying because I have to pretend I'm a normal person at home and I can't make those loud and guffawing sobs that sound more like a cow in labour that I would really love to indulge in right now. I have a belly full of chocolate though and small shorts from when I exercised today though so that makes it a bit better.

At the conclusion of a big, epic post of being sad and whining I usually apologize. You know what? I'm going to break the mould. I am not going to apologize for acting human, and making mistakes and just being a wreck sometimes. Because its OK to be like that. Most of my life I have pursued a godly intelligence where I get 100% on every single test paper I touch and write blog posts people will admire and mention to their friends as clever. But I blog for myself. Getting rid of all this negativity is a bit of a gift and I want to use that. 

I'll go out this Saturday sobered by the experiences of the last few days, but I will try to enjoy myself again and feel happy knowing I have opportunity to be better in other aspects of my life and not sulking forever. It may take weeks. Months before I feel better bout the person I've become. But like all the other big and monumental experiences of my life I will learn from them and better myself. I'll be damned if I'm going to peak in life at nineteen. In closing, I feel sit at the moment but I'm feeling better and that's fine with me.

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