Life seems to rush at you in the most impossible ways but as you grow up it's all sort of expected really: one day you're a kind going to kindergarten, the next you're in primary school showing mum and dad you're best coloured drawings then it's all posters and presentations in high school then university creeps up on you just as you're relaxing after examinations and trying to enjoy life again. This is just me pottering about and having a quarter-life crisis or something and just wondering when the time got away from me and when I developed into the adult I am with all this free-thought and ideas. Receiving university offers and all that should have excited me but it seems more depressing really that I'll see some of the same old and tired face when I move on to the next stage in life and it won't be everything I've made it out to be in the last few weeks.
For one thing I feel tirelessly obsessed over my weight and compensated today by having three courses of salad and lettuce leaves in a sorry attempt to clean my stomach clean and lose a little weight. I think I liked it better when I wasn't concerned over trying to fit inside tiny vintage clothing and I didn't think so much about impressing my beau or using the numbers on my scales to feel good about myself. It would be nice to eat without the same guilt that I do now, but I guess that's what happens when you grow up with tiny Barbie as your role model and unrealistic stick thin models to look up to.
Something nice about my teenage life and young adulthood is my love of photography and owning my fair share of cameras, my pride and joy being a hot pink Diana F+ as well as a Lomo LCA+ both re-issued by Lomography. While I would have never been trusted with a real camera in my hands as a child and not showing any real promise on school camps at least I have an art to hone now and maybe something to aspire towards. Today I feel oddly empty of all the promising opportunities I thought were lying on the horizon. I'm not necessarily sad, but when one feels such an aching emptiness they want something to fill it up. I'm bashing my fingers against a keyboard myself and attempting to write better words since everything I could have possibly done to get into the university of my dreams is at an end. I'll compromise this year and take up an extra arty course at a TAFE or something since my course can't be as demanding as what I wanted it to be.
I shouldn't feel as sad and empty as I do, it's not the end of the world and anyone else in my position would really be quite pleased with what they've achieved and the opportunities they have but I just wish I had more of a brain to succeed or more of an inclination towards arts and crafts. I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be despite being in my skin for the last eighteen years but it's only now that I've sort of got the feeling that everything is starting now and I'm beginning life as an adult. Sooner or later I'll finally have my license and a car to drive and then there'll be moving out, and in my own place without parents and having to look out for myself... It only seems scary because I'll be leaving the life I've always known and taken comfort in and there'll be money to worry about properly for the first time in my life. While everything won't happen at once and I'll gently ease in to everything I can't help but feel terrified of growing up and just wanting to revert back into my childhood and start all over again.